First Confessional.

Hey guys, today will be a wordy post with no pictures. Just feel like pouring my heart out.

It's kinda hard to explain this bittersweet feeling, I'm happy yet sad yet so many other emotions, call it bipolar, or something else, but it's just a mixture of so many things.

You can't blame me, for not being able to let go of my first, I mean, how many people are strong enough to do it? When I ask you to tell me how many people are able to, I'm not talking about those who act all happy outside and are actually secretly dying on the inside, they don't count. I don't want to force anything that isn't there, I don't want to force love when it does not exist. Period. No matter how much I try to not think about how painful it is losing someone I thought I loved (note* the word thought), it still manages to find itself into the tiny little hole that's still left open from my broken heart.

I realize that this isn't the end though, there will definitely be future heart-aches and break-ups that I would have to face, no matter how I try to avoid it, no matter how much I try to keep everyone at a distant, self-proclaiming that they're my brothers and telling myself nothing can ever happen between the two of us. I find myself trapped between the thin line of friendship and relationship status all the time.

There's a saying, 'You would definitely be attracted to other people, but at the end of the day, if your heart is taken by another, then no stranger would be able to snatch it back'. I feel all the time that I wouldn't be able to open my heart, time and time again, disappointment, and as cliché as it seems, I'm going through this phase everyday when I wake up. Asking myself for every failed relationship, what did I do wrong? Bottom-line, we're just not compatible. Everyday I look at the mirror, thoughts like 'I look so fat' and 'he left me cause I'm ugly' just pops up and it just adds on to my misery x1000000000. The painful thing is not because he left, it's because I found out that he didn't love me enough to want to stick it out, even through the hard times. To accept me at my worst, to want to make things work, no. He couldn't, we couldn't. Us just didn't work. I'm going to see girl after girl after girl, and it's going to rip me apart, but I care about him enough to say that seeing him happy is all I want, even if I'm not the one making him happy. I wouldn't say I would like to forget the relationship I had, because at one point in my life, I loved it, and I wanted it and I enjoyed every single moment I spent with him even to the last minute we were together.

I have to fight back the urge to text him or look for him at work, cause frankly I'll just look like a stalker ex-girlfriend that's desperate and cannot get over it. The test of my self-discipline, occupying myself with something other then him.

Occasionally, I see him, I hear about him from friends and all that's rushing through my head is, is he happy without me? Is he thinking about me? Is he better off without me? And these thoughts create this whirlpool of emotions and they just gush through my whole body like a tsunami to an island. I still remember all the sweet things he did for me, and these memories are the ones that tell me that he's worth all this pain. One day he's going to get married, and I will be just a distant memory, same goes for me. There was one time when I was sick and he bought me honey, a lemon, 6 packs of strepsils and a new cup and he finished it off with a rose. Or the time when we would go out with his friends and he wouldn't be ashamed of me, he would proudly say that I'm his girlfriend or the times when we randomly kissed cause I demanded it. Even until today, that memory never fails to make me giggle and smile. The good times were definitely more than the bad times, but you see, our relationship got boring, there was nothing new, everyday, the same routine. The same outings, the same everything. It came to a point that we questioned ourselves, what future did we have? It kills to see what I had to give up.

'Get over it Sarah, get over it. Get over yourself, get over him. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself. ' My mum tells me every single day. It's funny how she forgets her break-ups when it involves mine, she forgets how hard it is. How foreign it is for me... I don't know the proper way to react to this. Should I cry? Nah. Should I die? Maybe... Should I just forget and move on? Yea probably.

But how do you forget someone you thought was going to be part of your life for a long time? These are the questions that bug me, Every. Single. Day. The desperate need for affection is just so overwhelming sometimes, and not the affection you get from friends nor family. But the kind you get from your lover. The 'I'd give up my everything for you' love.

What's true love? Well, my definition is, letting go when you know you have to, for the good of him/her. That's true love, selfless. Love is selfless. Nothing will ever change that.

Goodnight everybody. I feel so much better after I got 4 months of problems out of my heart.


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