What do you do when its raining?

As I sit in my room, looking out my window. I wonder.. am I in a place where I cant comprehend? Where I don't even know what I have become. The rain drops one by one by one, like how my thoughts are appearing in my mind, yet it can not seem to find its way to my lips, for it to come out and actually mean something.

I think about things a lot nowadays, about almost everything. The question that is ringing in my head is... 'How can I live in my present when I can't even live in my past?'.

I don't feel emotional or anything, but more perturbed than sad or happy. I keep blaming everyone and everything about how unfulfilling my life is, and never blaming myself. That is my greatest mistake, apart from opening up my heart to someone who did not know how to protect it.

I don't blame him or anyone in that matter, I take this as a lesson learnt, a journey taken. I won't ever look back, not because it is painful but because I don't see the point in reliving my past. I still feel sorry though, that I jump into everything without thinking about the situation, wanting someone so badly that i'm willing to settle for something below average.

And that is why... I will always be my worst enemy. Little do I know, i'm constantly fighting this one on one battle with myself, with my thoughts.

I probably sound like some psycho maniac, but doesn't everyone go through this at a stage in their life? I'm fighting so many wars right now, wars meaning, with the decisions I make daily. I want to grow up so badly, I really do, so much that I would do almost anything to become an adult.. to be able to control my emotions, and the way I handle things.

Look at me, i'm just going on and on about my problems, and i'm sorry about that.

A friend once told me, 'saying sorry, doesn't cure everything'. Well, its better than not saying anything at all, and it's sure better than ignoring it. I say sorry because I feel sorry for what i've done, people use it ever so often nowadays and it seems that it has lost its value. I try not to use it too often, doesn't seem to be working quite well for me.

Its these things I want to say but sometimes I just can't bring myself to. You ask me, why now? Well, honestly, I don't know.. I just want to.. you know. grow up. I hate drawing drama to myself, and I hate feeling so miserable and sorry for myself. I hate it so, so much.

I don't want to be another teenager who has mood swings, or can't control their own feelings, when I myself am doing the exact same thing. Every single day, I tell myself. Sarah. Suck it up. Your life isn't terrible, they're people in worst conditions.

I need someone, to pick me up where i've fallen. and maybe, I'd still have hope of turning back.

Goodnight.